With great power comes great responsibility. How can
this famous saying be carried over to hockey and the Colorado Avalanche? With a
great start comes a great number of bandwagon fans. So, all you bandwagon fans
out there, here is your official Bandwagon Fan Guide for the 2013/14 Colorado
Avalanche!
If your second favorite team is the San Jose Sharks,
then consider this our formal request for you to leave the world of hockey all
together. Just a heads up, you’ll probably end up in Phoenix.
It’s pronounced WAH. If you say ROY, or R-WAH, you’re
gonna have a bad time.
Gabriel Landeskog is our captain. Yes, Joe Sakic has retired. Yes. Really. No, we
understand you’ve been a little busy in life to realize that, it’s not like it
was a big deal or anything.
Oh you remember the glory days of “Sakic, Forsberg,
Tanguay, Roy, Bourque, Lemieux, and Hejduk”? Do you remember the mediocre days
of Laaksonen, Vaananen, Morris, Klee, Konowalchuk, and Brigley? What about the
awful days of Galiardi, Hensick, Yip, Dupuis, Jones, Hannan, Stoa, and Quincey?
No? Didn’t think so.
Don’t ask when the Avs redesigned their jerseys.
Just don’t.
The Avalanche have 4 retired numbers. Yes, it’s only
just a coincidence that is the number of Avs games you’ve watched in the last
10 years. (If you realized the Avs actually had 5 retired numbers, please enter
the mentorship program for the new Avs fans. Duration: a few weeks, or whenever
the Avs get passed by Chicago in the standings)
Don’t argue that Steve Yzerman is the best #19 to
play the game. Claude Lemieux will find you, and go all Liam Neeson in Taken on
your sorry behind.
DO brush up on semi-current Avs events such as the
Shattenkirk trade and what to do with Paul Stastny. When these conversations
flare up, don’t be quiet.
The Avs used to be the Quebec Nordiques. Mentioning
the fact that they won their first Cup as an expansion team might make you look…like
a bandwagon fan.
Yes; you are the worst type of fan in sports. No, we
don’t want you to stay.
The Avs have won 2 Stanley Cups. Oh, you just realized that a few other teams
have won more? And now you’re a Canadiens fan? We understand. Sacrebleu.
Uwe Krupp scored the Cup winning goal in 1996. Yes
we know, you have no idea who he is. But don’t worry, that won’t matter in a
month when a different team goes on a hot streak.
It’s the “Colorado” Avalanche. Not the Denver
Avalanche.
No, Ray Bourque wasn’t captain when the Avs won the cup
in 2001. Yes he lifted it first but that’s only because…ugh nevermind.
If your second favorite team is the Red Wings,
Canucks, Stars, or Wild, you best keep that to yourself.
If your second favorite team is the Penguins, Hawks,
or Bruins, then the Panthers are probably eagerly awaiting your pledge of
fandom if they ever get good.
If someone asks you “Why do you like the Avs” don’t
say it’s “Because they’re awesome” . Yes that’s the reason, but you best keep
that to yourself as well.
It is well advised for you to get an Avs hat or
something. Walking around in a Blackhawks cap or a Flyers hat while saying you’re
an Avs fan isn’t a good way to make friends.
The Avalanche play at the Pepsi center. It’s surprising
how many “fans” don’t know where their teams play.
If you are under 10 years old and the Avs are your
new sudden favorite team, that’s ok. You’re 10. You don’t know any better. And
you should probably get off the internet. There are some popups on here that
will just confuse you until you watch basic cable past midnight.
Sem-Yawn Var-Lah-Mov. Learn how to pronounce it, because jeez you're going to make yourself look stupid if you don't.
Sem-Yawn Var-Lah-Mov. Learn how to pronounce it, because jeez you're going to make yourself look stupid if you don't.
And last but not least:
When the Avs lose a few games in a row or they get eliminated and you throw them under the bus, keep reading this blog. We need all the help we can get.
