Why Ryan O'Reilly is Probably Addicted to Gambling, Drugs, and Betting

Note: This post is in no way defamatory or accusatory of Ryan O’Reilly. This is JUST a theory. So, Ryan O’Reilly’s dad, if you’re reading this, you don’t need to tweet about it, okay? Because no one cares. We just… don’t care. Oh, and no. we don’t have Terry Pegula’s phone number so don’t even bother asking. So you can’t ask him to give your son more ice time. When Tyler Ennis is out on the powerplay and O’Reilly is on the bench, don’t bother trying to do anything about it. And since we’re on the topic, nooo, you can’t call Tim Murray and get him to trade for Sidney Crosby to play alongside O’Reilly to inflate his point totals so he can try and justify his ridiculous contract. And noooo. Don’t even bother trying to get O’Reilly’s dressing room locker stall outlined and studded with precious gems and jewels, an elevated chair, and a platinum staff with “#1” engraved in it. We know you think he deserves it, but it’s just not possible. AND NO. He can’t have his own private bathroom in Buffalo with a gold toilet to sh-okay we’re getting off topic. Anyways…

Gambling, drugs, and betting. That is the only answer for all this craziness going on with Ryan O’Reilly. Let us explain:

The gambling: This is something that happens to lots of people. They go to a casino. Put a quarter in the machine. Pull the lever. They win. They go to a roulette pool. Always bet on black folks. They win, then they play again. They lose. But they need the rush of winning again, so they keep going and going.

The betting: just as addictive and much the same. You always think you can win. You but up big bucks, then all of the sudden: upset city. You try to win your money back the next game, but it fails.

Drugs: Now, we aren’t saying O’Reilly is the next Ryan Malone or Jaret Stoll. But you never know. Lindsay Lohan’s cousin is at the Capitals Development Camp. So maybe they’ve met sometime down the road. Maybe they hang out from time to time. Who knows.

The reasoning for these outlandish statements? Well think of this way; and we’ll explain ourselves in the form of the probable conversation between Ryan O’Reilly and Joe Sakic at the negotiating table:

Now, the Avs probably went to ROR with an initial offer of 5.5 Million bucks long term that was obviously laughed off the offer table. O’Reilly counters with 8 million long term. The Avs, trying to hold back their own outrageous laughter, give the ROR party a final generous offer of 6.5 million bucks a year, long term yet again. And here is where O’Reilly really pipes up:

“Look guys, who do you think I am? Some bum on the street? Why are you throwing me chump change? I am unable to function as a proper human being without that extra 1.5 million dollars over 8 years? You expect me to live on just 6.5 a year? How do you suppose I do that? Start shopping at WalMart? I mean, I know I’ll make as much in 1 year as an average middle class family makes in a lifetime, but for me this is unsustainable. Just like my possession numbers if I move to a team that tried to tank last year.”

Avs Management: “we don’t get it. What do you possibly need that extra 1.5 million for over 8 years? We know you have to support your brother Cal, who only makes 800,000 dollars a year, the poor soul, but come on.”

Greg Sherman in the background: “Let’s trade him for Jay McClement”

We’ll cut it there, but see what we mean? The guy is obviously strapped for cash and really stressed about it. His life would apparently be over without that extra 1.5 million. More like 2 million by the sounds of what the Avs figured he’s worth. And what are some of the most expensive, money wasting pastimes? Casinos, betting, and narcotics. That sound you just heard: your mind blowing. We cracked the case.

So let’s not feel bad for O’Reilly, this guy is a charity case. He is probably so in debt with the mafia, bookies, and the gangsters that he really needs all of his 7.5 million dollars a year he’ll make in Buffalo before being bought out. And before you go thinking “stressed or not, his defensive game isn’t good enough to make up for his overall lack of allstar offense” think again. O’Reilly now makes more than Duchene, Alex Steen, Seguin, Stamkos, and so on, so obviously now that the added stress of huge debt is off his shoulders, he can start performing offensively to the tone of what he thinks he’s worth. And we all know he is capable of putting up Seguin, Benn, Stamkos type numbers. I mean, he scored 64 points once. That is HUGE! And nothing about his offense had to do with the fact he was playing along side Matt Duchene, MacKinnon, and Landeskog among others. He is still going to be very good offensively playing with Tyler Ennis and Jack Eichel. So what if he has only got more than 30 points 3 times. Look for this guy to win multiple Art Ross trophies, as his salary and his own expectations would have you think.

We’ll miss you Ryan O’Reilly. Even though an old Alex Tanguay and an old Jarome Iginla managed to outscore you at a fraction of the cost. Oh, but you led the non-playoff team in takeaways. Nice.