Patent Pending: They Do This So Much, They Might As Well Own Them

We all know patents. If something is good enough, or if it your own idea or concept and everyone else is starting to get on the bandwagon, you slap your name on it, because by golly, you earned it. Well the same should be said for some things in hockey. Gretzky patented the behind the net deke and pass. Orr patented the diving through the air Stanley Cup goal. No one else has done it since. Not because they didn’t want to, but because they don’t want to pay the royalties. By the way, we misspelled Gretzky that first time and the spelling correction suggestion was Trotsky. Can we get a Canadian computer here? Anyways: Gordie Howe patented the elbowing penalty AND the Gordie Howe hat trick (Even though he only ever had 3 in his career) and Matt Cooke patented the phrase “I can change”. Given the less than spectacular start by the Avs, here are some of the things they do in any given hockey game that they need to get their name on…quick!

Patent Pending: The Logo Shot

You’ve all seen this. Whether it’s streaking down the wing, a cross ice pass, breakaway, or a point shot on a powerplay, the Avs always manage to hit the logo of whatever goalie is in net. Sometimes they miss, and the people in the hockey world call those “goals”. The Logo Shot is an epidemic among the Avs players so why not take official credit? We hear the Avs shooter tutor is just a plastic sheet over the open net with a small circular hole cut out of the middle. They score a lot of goals in practice.

Patent Pending: The Totally Inappropriate, Ill Timed, Unnecessary, Drop Pass

The name needs work, but that is what the marketing team is for. We’ve all seen this too. Whether it’s an own zone breakout, neutral zone invasion, powerplay zone entry, of in the slot scoring chance, the Avs love to drop the puck back to the guy behind them. We credit the Mighty Ducks movies for making this look cool. Damn you Emilio Estivez for the Flying V!

Patent Pending: The Own Zone Breakout Problems

3 guys can make a pass out of their own zone. Barrie, Beauchemin, Johnson. 4 guys cant. Gormley, Guenin, Holden, Stuart. And the majority of the time they’re all just so soft on their end of the blueline that it never even materializes. If anyone knows a wizard, can they get him to transform the Avs into 14 year old teenagers who eat fast food? They seem to have no problems with breakouts.

Patent Pending: The Powerplay Dump-In

Why dump it in to the waiting, ready, defender who is just going to clear it out? Carry it in!

Patent Pending: The Pulled Goalie Dump-In

See above scenario and change the situation to when the Avs pull their goalie for an extra attacker.

Patent Pending: The “Walk To The Penalty Box” Silence

Around the league, if penalties are taken, a lot of the time players will have a few word with the referees, generally disagreeing with the call, and voice this disagreement in a variety of terms and ways. Not the Avs. Save for the Capitals game, almost all of the Avs penalties have been stupid and blatant, which translates to a quiet, shameful waltz to the sin bin.

Patent Pending: Over Analyzing the “Good Things” they’ve done in a game.

The Avs could lose 16-2, go 2-4 on the powerplay and allow 0 PP goals in 5 chances. The reaction from players and coach: Well we thought our powerplay was great for us tonight and our penalty killing was superb. We need to work on winning some more 5-5 battles but we didn’t give up when it started to get bad. This means we have a good game and we don’t need a morning skate or hard practice. Let’s go for pizza and ice cream guys, good job!” You all know this isn’t an exaggeration.