Below is the actual transcript taken by our very own
anynomous source; an eavesdropped conversation between Eric Lindros and the
chairman of the board who selects HHOF members:
Chairman: Eric, I asked you to lunch today so I could
tell you some very important new in person.
Eric: I’m glad you called chairman, I’ve been waiting
to hear this news since I retired from my illustrious stint with the Dallas
Stars.
Chairman: Well, sorry to disappoint you but…wait…illustrious?
With the Stars?
Eric: Ya?
Chairman: Eric, you scored 5 goals all year. And
missed over 30 games.
Eric: Hey! It was hard playing down there! I didn’t
want to go anyways!
Chairman: Why wouldn’t you want to go to Dallas?
Beautiful weather, passionate fans, close to the ocean!
Eric: It isn’t the greatest hockey market. Their team
was lousy at the time. And I did NOT want to learn how to speak Texan!
Chairman: Eric…you can’t just use those excuses every
time you don’t want to go to a certain NHL te..oh nevermind, we’re getting off
topic. Eric I asked you here today to tell you that you have not made it into
the HHOF for this year’s class.
Eric: I…wait…what?
Chairman: We’re sorry, but since no one significant
has retired recently, we think we might be able to get you in next year.
Eric: This is an outrage! Do you know who I am? I
scored over 100 points once! I even almost scored 4 goals in a SINGLE year!
Chairman: Well actually, there are players who have actually
done those things on more than one occa-
Eric: I even almost won a game in the Stanley Cup
Finals! And I won tons of Eastern Conference Semi-Final games!
Chairman: Yea, but-
Eric: I was SO close to scoring 400 career goals! I
mean, how many players can say they’ve done that!
Chairman: Well, 92 but-
Eric: I mean, who’s not in the hall of fame that has
scored more career goals than me?
Chairman: Uhh, Stephane Richer, Garry Unger, John
Orgodnik, Milan Hejduk,
Eric: Look. If I don’t make it into the hall of fame
this year then I’ll holdout. I won’t play!
Chairman: But Eric, you’re retired…
Eric: I won’t play in the Maple Leafs alumni game for
the Winter Classic!
Chariman: Actually I don’t think you were invited,
but-
Eric: Who’s even getting in over me?
Chairman: Well, it’s really time for Dave Andreychuk.
He’s scored over 600 goals, was a monster on the powerplay, ended his career
with the cup, and he’s still involved in the game!
Eric: Look, if this doesn’t happen to me, I’ll make
sure my Hall of Fame rights are traded to the KHL. Or the ECHL! How would you like
THAT? I’ll be a HOFer for them for a year until you sort this out!
Chairman: Eric, we tried trading the rights. But there
was this mixup…apparently the rights were traded to both leagues, we couldn’t
figure out which deal wen t down first, or who owned you, and the Russians were
going to give us Tretiak’s rights, but everything fell through!
(At this time, Lindros starting throwing a tantrum,
kicking and screaming on the ground)
Chairman: Okay, Okay fine, you’re in! But if you don’t
stop I’ll have to get Scott Stevens over here!
(Eric abruptly stop and sits back down)
Eric: Well I think you’ve made the right choice.
(The waiter comes with the bill)
Eric: You got this? I’m still paying Philadelphia back
$15M from the trade, so money is a little tight.
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