Free Agency: Avoid These Guys Like The Plague

Everyone is posting stories and opinions about who their team should get in Free Agency on July 1^st. There are the obvious ones. Everyone should get Oduya of they can swing it. Everyone should get Justin Williams because he is awesome. But we’re going to take a look at who the Avs should avoid the plague.

Paul Martin, Defense.

Martin carried a 5 million dollar cap hit ast year during a boring, disappointing season with the Pittsburgh Penguins. With 3 goals and 20 points last year on a Pens team that was riddled with defensive issues, he can just keep on walking. Obviously he won’t get his cap hit of 5 million dollars this year unless Dale Talon wants him in Florida, but he is not worth the time or money.

Michael Frolik, Right Wing.

If the Avs want another 3^rd line depth forward who can put up a couple of goals and never reach potential, then they might as well sign Galiardi and Hensick back to the team. The former 10^th overall draft choice (2006) shows flashes of brilliance at times, but for the most part he disappears for long stretches of time. Agin, this would be a waste of time and money. If the Avs want to be competitive, they should fill their bottom 6 with some 2-way guys and tough checkers.

Francois Beauchemin, Defense.

Due to the Bieksa trade to the Ducks, and Beauchemin wanting about 5 million bucks a year, it looks as though this defender will be hitting the open market. 5 million bucks? 35 years old? Nope.

Antoine Vermette, Center.

Vermette showed that he can be a clutch guy with the Hawks on route to his first Stanley Cup. Or, if we are in the real world, Vermette scored 3 goals at very important times because of crazy nice setups by Krueger and the rest of the Blackhawks. The Vermette we all saw after the Arizona trade, throughout the playoffs, and in the press box, is the Vermette you will be signing as a Free Agent. Not to mention the Avs have enough depth at center already. He might be good for a bottom feeder team, but not the Avs.

Martin St. Louis, Right Wing.

St. Louis is the kind of guy that was good once, got old, started sucking, got mad at his GM for not selecting him to the Olympic team, went anyways ahead of Claude Giroux, sucked, won gold anyways that he didn’t deserve, demanded to be traded from his team even though he still got to go to Sochi, and now has no team at the moment, and still sucks. Don’t you just hate guys like that?

Matt Belesky, Left Wing.

22 goals, 13 assists, playing much of the year with Perry and Getzlaf. Belesky wants a big payday. Remember a few years ago when Winnik started the season with Perry and Getzlaf, and racked up 13 points in like 9 games? Sorry Belesky, but your inflated goals total and non-impressive assist mark tells us that you just played with good players. You don’t deserve a payday. You are the Brendan Morrison of this era. Remember that? When Morrison thought he was worth a huge payday and the arbitrator pretty much laughed at him and said he was only good because of Bertuzzi and Naslund? That’s you Belesky. Tyler Arnason could have scored 20 goals with Perry and Getzlaf. Yea. We went there.

Mike Green, Defense.

Injury prone. Slowing down offensively. Not very good defensively. Never was. Sentence fragments. Mike Green will obviously take a pay cut, a la Paul Martin, but his shakey defensive game is unwanted on an Avs team that needs solid defensive help. We already have the offensive d-men. Green will find a home somewhere though, and probably have a decent year.

Mike Riberio, Forward.

Sexual assault allegations, and Nashville wants him back? Wait for the verdict David Poile. People have a problem with homosexuals playing sports, which is ridiculous, so let’s shift our focus to having a problem with sex offenders playing sports. That is actually a good reason. All of this pending a verdict of course.

Alex Semin, Forward.

Being bought out of a ridiculous $7M contract is the beginning of the end for Semin. He just doesn’t have it anymore. And by “it” we mean Alex Ovechkin, Nik Backstrom, and the Washington powerplay to inflate his numbers. Where does he fit on the Avs? We could make a press box or stick boy joke here, but we won’t. Because he would probably be bad at that too. Remember that fight he got into? You don’t? Oh okay, here it is! You do? Watch it again.

 Ok now we kind of feel sorry for Semin. Sign him Avs. Poor guy.



Other Reading:

The Jobs of our Avs if They Didn't Get Into Hockey

Daniel Briere's Buzzer Beater Against the Bruins

Colorado Avalanche Jersey Concepts, pt 1

Avs Jersey Concepts, pt 2

The Jobs of Our Avs if They Didn't Get Into Hockey

Do you ever wonder what NHL players would be doing with their lives if they never got into hockey? We did. And here is what we came up with:

Brad Stuart: Fry cook at McDonalds. Based on his ability to turn pucks over on the ice, he would be a shoe in for turning over those “all beef” patties at the golden arches.

Matt Duchene: Country music fan groupie. Can they get paid for this? Well, even if they can’t, Duchene would be so good at it they would have to pay him.

Marc-Andre Cliché: An extra in any TV show or movie he can find a role in. Because he never really contributes to the big picture, he is just sort of there.

Nate Guenin: Assassin. He has already killed his career, so he might as well move on to bigger things.

Ryan O’Reilly: Skyscraper window cleaner. Because that’s the only way he’ll get as high as he thinks of himself. Or: Oil Tycoon. Because he’s all about the money and doesn’t care how much it hurts the environment around him.

Jarome Iginla: Stay at home dad. If you can’t see that then you’re dead inside.

Gabriel Landeskog: Underwear model. We hope.

Cody McLeod: Boxer. Not a good one. The one future stars fight to boost their confidence early.

John Mitchell: Cody McLeod’s punching bag. Because he can take a hit from pretty much anything, anywhere.

Erik Johnson: Olympic medalist in another sport. Just to show the US that he deserved to be on the 2014 team more than Justin Faulk and Brooks Orpik.

Alex Tanguay: Human cannon ball at a circus. Because that’s the only way we’ll get him to shoot.

Ryan Wilson: The part of the car that connects the axle to the wheel. Then breaks. Then gets fixed. Then breaks again. Then gets fixed. Then breaks.

Reto Berra: Cheese taster. Favorite kind: Swiss. Get it? Because he is from Switzerland and lets in a lot of goals? Swiss cheese? It has holes in it. It is part of the process of making it. Air bubbles get in there and yea. So he has lots of holes when he plays in net. For pucks to get through. Remember that 6-5 loss to Winnipeg? Brutal.

Semyon Varamov: Bond villain.

Nathan MacKinnon: The guy who follows what Sidney Crosby did if HE never got into hockey.

Nick Holden:  Joke writer at the NHL Awards. Because he is already so good at making people groan in agony, burry their head in their hands, and wish they didn’t see what they just saw.

Danny Briere: Short-Round’s stunt double in the next Indiana Jones movie.

Tyson Barrie: Head of the Department of Player Safety. Because someone has to get this stuff right every once in a while.

Patrick Bordeleau: The boxer that beats Cody McLeod on his way to the heavyweight championship.

Freddie Hamilton: Psychologist specializing in patients who have names reserved for 5 year old. He has experience in dealing with this. His first patient: his brother Dougie.