Our Future Lies With Some Of You: 2015 Edition

Every year we do a very well written, in depth, analytical review of the Colorado Avalanche draft choices. Okay we've done it twice. We missed last year. But here is a reincarnation of the vasty popular series. It is like the Atlanta Flames and the Atlanta Thrashers. The first edition, not very good and didn't really work out. Th second edition: just as bad, maybe worse, won't work out either, but there will be someone blindly pushing it along hoping it will work out because the failure of the new installment would look for horrible for him. That was a Gary Bettman joke. We won't hold it against you if you stop reading now.

If you've made it this far, thank you. Man, how ignorant are the people who stopped reading after the Bettman joke? So here it is: the 2015 edition of "Our Future Lies With Some of You"
You may ask yourself why it took us so long to write this. 2 reasons. 1: Everyone was doing draft profiles after the draft and this would have just watered down the already watered down subject of writing, and face it, we're a blog so it would have slid to the bottom of your priority list for reading, nestled JUST above that advertisement on the bottom of another webpage saying how "rich people HATE this easy trick to make millions and are trying to cover it up". You've seen it, we know you have. And it just doesn't event make any sense. Why would rich people not want other people to get rich? Is it like an exclusive club that if too many people join, there won't be enough seats for the original rich people? Is Rosa Parks going to have to put another person in their place, rightfully so, AGAIN? And come on. A get rich quick idea, a "trick" that just so happens to be online? Easily accessible? Ya okay. Reason #2. We wanted to provide lots of August reading because August sucks for hockey. Simply put, we really weren't rushing to write this. Because the Avs 2015 Entry Draft was Russian enough. See what we did there? You won't be ignorant for leaving now, we understand.

With their first pick in the draft, the Avs selected Connor McDavid. Just kidding. We didn't suck for 5 years like the Oilers. You can't do a draft preview without making a joke like this. Only, others made more clever, better jokes. We pulled a Dane Cook. Our bad.

Mikko Rantanen: 1st round, 10th overall. This Finn is so bog he could be on the back of a Great White shark and no one would notice the difference. We're not saying he's going to be good, but when Colorado selected him, Pierre MacGuire just kept Rantanen on about how much skill he has. Rantanen will make the team, and he and Landeskog will make a Scandinavian duo unseen since the times of Thor and Odin. But they aren't related. Projected role with the Avs: 2nd line forward who doesn't think he's worth 8 million dollars.

A.J. Greer: Like every hockey player to come out of the NCAA, he will be an absolute star. He'll follow in the footsteps of these superstar former Hobey Baker winners:

This pick was a bit of a journey-man pick. The pick the Avs got from the Sabres in the O'Reilly deal got traded for this pick. And if a career in hockey doesn't work out, he has the perfect name for an FBI Official in a movie. Who wouldn't have high hopes for a guy the Avs traded DOWN to get? Projected role: Well as a left winger who scored 7 points in 37 games last year, maybe the movie career isn't looking too bad after all.

Nicholas Meloche: 2nd round, 40th overall. He sounds made up. Projected role: N\A.

Jean-Christophe Beaudin: 3rd round, 71st overall. From the QMJHL's Rouyn-Noranda Huskies, Jean-Christophe Beaudin, from St. Bruno-de-Montarv, Quebec, probably has the longest line of any player in the draft, and perhaps the most French name in the Avs organization since Richard Demen-Willaume. The Avs decided they didn't have enough center depth so they picked this 6ft tall future superstar. Projected role: His name will be longer than his career.

Andrei Mironov: 4th round, 101st overall. Mironov was a great pickup. A big defenseman who already has 3 years of professional experience in the KHL. Well, professional is a bit of a stretch when talking about the KHL. One of our informant spies has reported to us that Moscow Dynamo hasn't paid Mironov in 2 years, which is 3 years better than most KHL'ers. Apparently KHL owners use revenue strictly from attendance to pay their players, which is why they're always broke. Projected role: Varlamov's roommate and language prodigy. They had originally hired Ilya Bryzgalov, but quickly realized it wouldn't be a good idea.

Sergei Boikov: 6th round, 161st overall; From the most Russian sounding town ever, Khabarovsk. Its got the KH. It's got the OV. It even has a SK. Boikov really sums up this year's draft for the Avs really nicely; A European who plays in the Quebec Major Junior Hockey League. That's all the Avs drafted. French and Europeans. I think Roy had a little but too much of an influence in this one, and it was painful to watch on TV and read about afterwards. This is the commentary in a nutshell: "The Avs get a Russain, no doubt the help out Varlamov because Varlamov is also from Russia so obviously a Russian defenseman and a Russian goalie will thrive off each other. Russia." And then "This guy from the QMJHL, you know Roy had something to do with this, obviously watched him play, may have seen him play against the Remparts as a 16 year old, Quebec French Roy Hockey Connections". We were all there and we apologize for making you relive it. Projected role: 3rd string KHL defenseman, because he'll go to the KHL when he doesn't make the team.

Gustav Olhaver: 7th round, 191st overall. Do you ever picture an older heavy set guy selling raw sausage links sitting on a wooden barrel wearing torn, older clothes? You have haven't you? Well his name is probably Gustav Olhaver. But let's focus on THIS Gustav Olhaver. His claim to fame with the Avs will be the fans trying to figure out how to pronounce his name. We think it's Oel-Hayve-Er. This will be a tricky one. Remember how hard it was for all of us to figure out how to say Pickard? We're screwed. Gustav played for 4 teams in Sweden last year. Well, 4 versions of the same team. Euro hockey is weird. Projected role: at 6'6, 214 pounds, he could have a chance. If not, he can have some fun in San Antonio. That's still weird to say.


So there you hae it. OUr extrememly in depth analysis of the future Avs of tomorrow, today. No need to thank us for broadening your hockey horizons and knowledge, it's all in a days work.

...wow, all the European and French names; their's so much red on the Microsoft Word document the Russians are starting to feel right at home!

By the way, we used 3 semicolons in this piece so that automatically makes it good writing.