The 2013 Colorado Avalanche Academy Awards

Yes we know Altitude had this feature running throughout the Avs/Ducks game. But we here at Avaholics Unanimous had this idea in mind much before everyone saw it on TV. So to heck with it, here are our 2013 Oscar awards for the Colorado Avalanche:

Best Picture: Nominees; Gabe Landeskog, David Jones, Aaron Palushaj.

WINNER: Gabe Landeskog! With his dashingly good Swedish looks (Must be the meatballs; see Lundqvist, Henrik) Landy is a no brainer to win the best picture award.

Beautiful.

Best Production: Nominees; The Avs Defense, The Duchene Line, David Jones

WINNER: The Duchene Line. Why? Because the other 2 nominees don’t produce at all.

Best Visual Effects: Nominees; Joe Sacco, Cody Mcleod, Chuck Kobasew.

WINNER: Chuck Kobasew. While Joe Sacco uses visual effects to make him look like a real coach, and Mcleod uses effects to make it look like he has no teeth, Chuck Kobasew takes home this honour. Why? Because using some sort of advanced technology, he is able to insert his name into every gamesheet when, as I’m sure most people can argue, no one even notices him on the ice.

*Side note: we were going to use Matt Duchene’s offside goal, but Altitude already did. Early bird and all..

Best Original Score: Nominees; Matt Duchene, Aaron Palushaj, Milan Hejduk

WINNER: M-m-m-m-Matt Duchene! While Hejduk’s snipe, and Palushaj’s first of the year are nice goals, nothing can compare to Matt Duchene’s game tying goal against the Wild on Valentine’s Day: (Jump to 2:00)

Best Director: Nominees; Joe Sacco, David Quinn, Tim Army (The latter two are assistant coaches)

WINNER: Noone! Why? Because from what we’ve seen, they can’t direct this team worth a damn.

Best Player: Nominees; Gabe Landeskog, Jamie McGinn, Matt Duchene

WINNER: Matt Duchene. Landy’s injury forced him out of contention for this, and while good, McGinn can’t match the skill speed, and leadership of Matt Duchene.

Best Player in a Supporting Role: Nominees; PA Parenteau, Jamie McGinn, John Mitchell

WINNER: McGinn. We can give this one to McGinn. He has been a great second punch to the Duchene line, and is a big reason this line has been able to put up so many points.

Best Makeup and/or Hairstyling: Nominees; Gabe Landeskog, John Mitchell, Greg Zanoon.

WINNER: John Mitchell. Mitchell won’t be denied this Oscar. While Landeskog’s hair is beautifully manscaped, and Zanon’s beard is just legendary, Mitchell wins with the makeup job he showed off after the first few games of a season:

I mean, someone couldn’t be able to go through all that pain and still be able to play every game right?....right?

Best Actor: Nominees; John Mitchell, Greg Zanon, Joe Sacco

WINNER: Greg Zanon. While John Mitchell pretends to be invincible, and Joe Sacco pretends to know what he is doing behind the bench, nothing tops the prime time acting job Greg Zanon shows the fans game in and game out. You almost had us there Zanon, but we all know you’re not actually an NHL caliber defenseman.

Best Costume Design: Nominees; The White Away Jerseys, The Dark Home Jersey, The Blue Alternate Jerseys

WINNER: The Dark Home Jerseys. Why? Because the Blueberry jerseys aren’t Burgundy, and because the white jersey, while nice on the eyes, don’t have that Avs feel to them like the Home ones do. 

Best Foreign Language Film: Nominees; The Powerplay (Because the Avs obviously don’t understand game video), The Penalty Kill (See above reason), Any interview with Semyon Varlamov

WINNER: Any interview with Semyon Varlamov. This guy is from Russia. And we can tell.