Absolute Greed: Now Playing At NHL Arenas Everywhere

Have you ever been to a store, seen a kid crying because a parent wouldn’t buy him or her a toy, only to have the parent cave to shut the spoiled little brat up? Then, as soon as the kid gets what it wants, it is happy until the next aisle, and it sees another glimmering, taunting object that it must possess.  Well, welcome to the fallout of the most recent NHL Lockout. If it were a Broadway production, it would look like this:

Playing the part of the spoiled brat kid that no one likes: The Players

Playing the part of the helpless parent who is trying desperately to calm and please an undeserving child: The NHL

Playing the part of the innocent bystander watching helplessly shaking his head: the fans, and everyone reading this post.

Scene I: After losing out on a whole entire NHL season, players are satisfied and owners can cope with the result of lockout. (Enter greedy NHL Players a few years later) “For some reason, I think the rise in the salary cap gives me full entitlement for a huge, front loaded, long term salary that won’t work out in the end. But that’s ok, because even if I get bought out 6 years into my 12 year, 60 million dollar deal, I have still managed to make 40 million of it. And I get paid about 12 for doing nothing. Because I deserve it. Why? Because I do something I love for a living.”

(Enter dumb NHL GM’s and owners) Sounds good greedy NHL players. If this is what it takes to get you on our teams so we can still have a marketable asset in our portfolio, lets sign the papers!”

The cast members then live in harmony for the next few years. Until the expiration of the CBA. Uh oh, trouble on the horizon.

Scene II: (Enter NHLPA, NHL Owners) Owners: “we messed up. We are paying you too much. We wish to pay you less and shave some money off of your salaries. Also, we wish receive a higher percentage of the money made off the products we own and you do not.”

Players: What!?!?! Not a chance! You signed us to those deals and we are fully entitled! And we deserve more money than you from the jerseys, hats, ect that you sell! Even though we just work for you!”

Owners: “But that would be like paying a worker at a grocery store 60 cents for every $1 tomato gets sold”

Players: “we know.”

At this point of the play, everything is open to interpretation on both sides. Each side has fair and equal points. The CBA gets signed, the season is half lost, and play resumes.

Scene III: (Enter players, owners) Owner: The salary cap is going down next year. In order to keep you on our team, we will have to pay you the same as last year, or less.

Player: What!? I scored 15 goals last year and we missed the playoffs! I must have MORE! Because 4.5 million dollars a year isn’t good enough! (Player breaks 4^th wall and turns to crowd) “You there, what do you do for a living?”

Crowd Member: “I am a surgeon sir.”

Player: “Oh. So you have a definite use to society and without trained people such as yourself, many undeserving people would die. You are a hero and mean a great deal to the world.”

Crowd Member: “I guess so”

Player: “Well I am in the NHL. I make 4.5 million dollars to play a sport and serve no real purpose to society, especially not in the way you do. And I make millions more per year than you!” (Turns to owner) “My 4.5 million dollars is not good enough. I demand 5.3 or I walk! Because I am an NHLer.”

Scene IV: (Owner’s Office) Mr. Letang. I noticed that your contract is running out soon. You made $3.5M last year, and scored 5 goals. We feel your play has improved over the past few years so we would like to offer you a raise. How does $5M per year sound for 7 years?”

Mr. Letang: “*scoff* That is INSULTING! Only 5 million dollars? To play a game I love, have access to the greatest sports physiotherapists, trainers, strength and conditioning coaches, nutritionists, and facilities in the world? No! I will test the free agent market until somebody presents me with a number that I feel I deserve! Good day sir!”

Owner: “Ok Mr. Letang. You are vital to our team. Here is $7.25M. But can you score more than an average of 11 goals next year?

Scene IV, act II: The Office of the Tampa Bay Lightning) Owner: Vinny, we messed up your contract. We are going to use a buyout on you. Sorry. Here is 32 million dollars over the next 14 years for doing nothing.

Lecavalier then proceeds find 3 teams who are willing to use his services. After an average cap hit of 4 million dollars per year is proposed by one team, Lecavalier turns them down. After his demands are too high for the 2^nd team, he walks away as well. Lecavalier then manages to find someone to pay him 4.5 million more dollars per year. Upon announcing this to the audience, the surgeon in the crowd has a heart attack. No one can save him because no one has hundreds of thousands of dollars to go through the training it takes for those abilities. Meanwhile, while his family grieves and wonders how the bills are going to be paid, all over the league in the offseason, millionaire hockey players continue to cry out and demand more millions upon millions to play a game 9 months out of the year.

Scene V: The set shifts to the grocery store. The child who was at first crying and whining because he wasn’t getting what he felt he deserved, is now sitting in the shopping cart, toy in hand, with a big smile on his face. His cheeks are still red from screaming, his eyes are still swollen from crying. But he has his toy. All is well for now. Until the next aisle.

The parent, feeling sheepish for giving in, but just wanted to continue shopping without hassle, quietly pushes the shopping cart along. A blank, solemn stare radiates from their face. The child is playing with the toy. All that can be heard is the sound of the cart wheels rolling along the marble floor. And the sound of the child laughing.

Fin