Semyon Varlamov: Not The Only NHL Player To Be Arrested

If you are just hearing for the first time that Semyon Varlamov has been charged with third degree assault, then you should probably crawl back under that rock you live in. it’s getting lonely. Over the past few years the Avs have kind of been a joke around the league hey weren’t good, their games were boring, and they often finished in the basement (Landeskog, Duchene, MacKinnon: Who’s laughing now?). So given the recent success of this team, and their great play, Avs haters are using this charge on our goalie to finally stick it to/beak Avs fans. Ridiculous isn’t it? Here’s a tip: If someone  says “Well at least my goalie wasn’t arrested” respond with something like…oh I don’t know…”16-5” and just walk away like cool action heroes after an explosion near the end of the movie.

But it is important to keep in mind that Varly isn’t the only NHL player to have a run in with the law. Here are a few more recent cases:

Dustin Byfuglien

Charge: Careless boating.

Yea that wouldn’t go over so well in jail. Guys would be exchanging stories…”I’m in here for armed robbery man”…”I’m in here for grand larceny dawg.”…..”I’m in here because I found my wife cheating. They still haven’t found the bodies”….”I’m in here because I had 2 beers before going on a boat ride, and the cop was probably a Canucks fan.” Not so tough. Byfuglien was sentenced to 2 years of weight watchers.

Ben Eager

Charge: Assault.

Eager was arrested with his brother after an incident at a pub during the lockout last year. I guess he wasn’t really that Eager to negotiate a new CBA. Eager was sentenced to another season with the Oilers.

Nikolai Zherdev

Charge: Having a last name that’s way too hard to spell when you’re driving a boat drunk.

Actual Charge: Intentional damage to property of others.

Flyers owner Ed Snider had Zherdev arrested for intentionally damaging the good name of the Philadelphia Flyers, using his on ice play as a weapon. Just kidding. He actually smashed his wife’s car after a night out together at a restaurant. He was also heard yelling threats at his wife. Thise threats were probably along the lines of “I’ll go back to the KHL! I’ll do it!” Zherdev was sentenced to go back to the KHL. But it’s ok, now  no one watches him play because it’s the KHL.

Sean Avery

Charge: Suspicion of battery on a police officer. Because Avery keeps going and going and going and going…

Avery is all to familiar with charging in his career. It was 1 a.m. and a noise complaint was filed. Apparently it was music, but no one would be surprised if Avery was really just standing in front of a mirror yelling about how great he was. So when the police officer came…we’d just like to take a second and give ourselves a pat on the back for that Energizer Bunny/battery joke….when the police came Avery shoved one of them and was arrested. I had no idea Wayne Gretzky became a cop. STILL no NHLer can touch him without feeling the heat. No word on if Dave Semenko was his partner. Avery was sentenced to a life in the fashion industry.

Brett Sutter

Charge: Suspicion of assault.

Sutter apparently punched a guy outside of a bar at night. No word on if that guy was Jay Feaster and Sutter was just really mad because he was drafted to the Flames. Sutter was sentenced to watch his dad win a Stanley Cup while he sat in the minors.

Mike Ribeiro

Charge: Always looking like an out of work porn star if he doesn’t shave for 2 days. Or maybe Public Intoxication.

Ribeiro was eating at a restaurant with his wife and another couple when his wife got into a verbal fight with another woman. Apparently she has as big a mouth as he does. Anyways, he had been drinking, because it’s a night out at a restaurant with friends, and an off duty cop took them all into custody. Ribeiro was never sentenced because a psychic came in and told the officers that in a few years time, the only team that would sign him would be the Coyotes. They figured that was punishment enough.