The Name Game

Hockey players are notorious for their uncreative bad nicknames for teammates. The Avalanche players are no different, squeezing out such gems as “Landy”, “Dutchy” and “Jonsie”. Maybe players keep nicknames short and sweet as an easy way to call out to a fellow line mate on the ice. Saying “Yea Dutchy!” in an effort get a cross ice pass would be a lot easier than saying something like “Yea Pizza the Hut!” (if Matt Duchene really liked pizza, we’re really not sure), but still. If these players weren’t hockey players, what would their nicknames be? We here at Avaholics Unanimous spent an outrageous amount of time thinking about it, and here is what we have come up with: We’ll go alphabetically:

Tyson Barrie: Barrie Bonds (If he worked at a financial institution)

Mike Connolly: Conner the Spawner (After starting a huge family)

Steve Downie: Downs with Webster (If he worked at a dictionary company)

Jan Hejda: The Swag from Prague (After sweeping numerous women off their feet)

Milan Hejduk: The Duke of Earl (If he worked in a Gene Chandler cover band)

David Jones: DJ Jonesy D (After fake tanning for years and standing in front of a high powered fan for 6 hours with wet hair)

Gabriel Landeskog and Ryan O’Reilly. The Young and the Restless. (Because nothing keeps these guys from working hard night in and night out)

Jay McClement: McClementine (After he became chief foreman of a Nuclear Power Plant) ((Clementine was a code name for the world’s first fast neutron nuclear reactor)) jeez, keep up people.

Peter Mueller, from Bloomington, Minnesota. The Bloomington Blur (After post-concussion symptoms left him with blurred vision. Congrats on the recovery though Peter!)

Mark Olver: Olver and Company (If he was CEO of a corporate franchise)

Kevin Porter: The Im-Porter (After opening a latex manufacturing company. They do imports, no exports)

Ryan Wilson: Brian Wilson (After lying in bed for days on end)

Daniel Winnik: Winny the Blue (After the depression of playing for the tanking SJ Sharks kicks in)

After retirement, hockey players often start small businesses with their money. Here is what we think some of the Avs players might get into after they hang up the skates.

Matt Duchene: “Goin’ Dutch” A restaurant where everybody pays for themselves.

T.J. Galiardi: “The Doghouse” A pet supplies store. Given his recent benching’s by new head coach Todd McLellan, this seemed fitting.

Milan Hejduk: “Hedgie’s Hogs” A motorbike company

David Jones: “The Jonses Furniture Warehouse” He sells the furniture that everybody wants.

Chuck Kobasew: “Chuckie Squeeze” An adult oriented establishment

Cody McLeod: “McLoud 9’s” A mental hospital to help the severely depressed.

Ryan O’Byrne: “Oh Burns!” A treatment center for burn victims

Ryan Wilson: “Wilson Genuine Undrafted” A beer company (Because we was never drafted into the NHL)

David Van Der Gulik: “Van-DerLay Industries” A rival latex manufacturer of Kevin Porter’s business. They import AND export.

By the way, we realize how awful Mike Connolly’s nickname is. The guy who thought that one up is clearing out his desk as you read. If you think you can do better, feel free to share and we’ll include them in a future blog.